Burdens

I really don't even know how to get this started, so I'll just say it.  I've been diagnosed with lupus, and I am very sick.  There.  I say that with embarrassment, frustration and immense sadness.  I feel like I am going through a grieving process.  I don't know this body I am living in-at all.  This new body isn't letting me work like I want to.  It hurts all the time.  It's sickly.  It's weak.  It's not thinking with clarity.  This is taking tremendous humility to even say out loud (does saying that mean I'm not humble-ha!).  I know there is great wisdom behind the struggle, but I'm having trouble seeing it now.  I'm young-ish.  I don't want to be identified as this illness.  I don't want to be "sick mom".  I have my moments of meltdown sobbing and they never seem to come during quiet, convenient times.  This morning was one of those ugly, unwelcome times.  WHY is it so hard to make a bed?!  Thoughts and feelings of failure surging through my body...then making smudges all over my glasses.  I felt like I needed to get some of my thoughts written down, since I am sure one of my daughters or granddaughters will inherit this ugly disease from me.  (Tainted gene pool, right Amy???)  I hope what I say can give a little comfort.

I love the hymn How Great Thou Art

And when I think of God His son not sparing

Sent Him to die I scarce can take it in

That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing

He bled and died to take away my sin

I've been struggling with my feelings that this isn't "that bad".  I am not crippled.  I can still function.  My life is so easy compared to others I know and love.  What do I have to be complaining about?  I love the words "my burden gladly bearing".  This is my burden.  It is personal.  I know there are many others that would handle this so much better.  There are others dealing with challenges more difficult than I could ever imagine.  However, life, feelings, burdens are unique and they are our own.  I am in awe of my Savior and that He "gladly bore" this burden for me.  I'm not even bearing it gladly!  He bled and died to take away my sins, but he also bled and died to take away my lupus.  He bled and died to take away my bitterness.  He bled and died so that one day I can have the promise of being whole and healthy again.  How that all worked, I will never know.  I am just thankful He did it for me.  As Elder Holland has said, "Because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so."  

For some strange reason I was thinking about President Hinckley this morning.  I love that man!  I love his voice, that sense of humor, that sharp intellect.  I just pulled up some old, random talk and started listening.  "It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.  It all works out.  Don't worry."  Along with bed making difficulty, I was upset (see:boobing like a crazy woman) at having to refer some of my clients elsewhere.  I love my work.  I love my clients.  I enjoy the friendships I have made over the years.  This morning I faced a choice...I could use my limited energy to make 300 meatballs for a band fundraiser for Raychel, or work.  My body wasn't going to let me do both.  I chose meatballs...but not delightfully.  I asked myself, "In 50 years will you wish you had made meatballs or worked more."  I answered, "I will have wished I had done it all!"  Ha!  I don't think that stubborn streak is ever going to get burned out of me.     

My life is good.  I am overwhelmed with tremendous gratitude for the unfailing support of my wonderful family.  They help me bear this burden gladly (with jokes) and help me keep a little dignity in the process.