The Jerk Store Called

I am not one to watch reruns.  I don’t like watching movies more than once.  I’m not a huge fan of sitcom TV.  Except for Seinfeld.  Off color, as it may be, that show makes me literally LOL every time I watch it…no matter how many times I’ve seen the episode.  One of my favorite episodes is when George is at an important business meeting.  He’s shoveling shrimp in his mouth, not paying attention to anything else…just loving the free shrimp.  One of the executives says, “Hey George, the ocean called, and they’re running outta shrimp!”  The table engages in boisterous laughter, and George is caught speechless with a mouthful of shrimp.  He’s offended and stews over this situation for a few days.  Then finally like a light out of heaven, he has the perfect comeback.  He arranges another meeting and makes sure there is a platter of shrimp.  Once at the meeting, he shovels the shrimp more aggressively than the first time.  It prompts the executive to say the same one liner, “Hey George, the ocean called and they’re running out of shrimp.”  Proud, and full of confidence, George wipes his mouth and smugly says, “Oh yeah?!  Well, the jerk store called, and they’re running outta YOU!” 

The other day, we went to the beach.  Even convinced my mom to come along.  The girls were excited.  I was looking forward to a relaxing day on the beach, running my feet through the blistering hot sand while I flipped through magazines and drank Diet Coke.  Mom was looking forward to staring at beach folk.  We get there early and set up camp.  The girls quickly make friends with other beach goers, and we’re settling in for a wonderful day.  Shortly thereafter, a group of five couples in their late 40’s set up right next to us.  It looks as though they had rented a ski-do, and they were all taking turns pretending to be cool teenagers.  Impressing the women-folk with their badass Jet Ski maneuvering (insert massive eye roll).  None of them looked to have seen a drop of sunshine in 10 years, nor had the tender soles of their feet felt anything other than fancy shoes and carpet.  Total noobs. 

The morning wears into the afternoon, and suddenly the beach has about 12 geese visitors.  This is a little strange since I have never seen geese on this beach.  All the kids start chasing them.  That’s what kids do.  Whatever.  Anna, Leah and their newfound buddies all head in the lake.    Because of the temperature of the lake, Raychel is usually my little beach buddy.  She digs quietly and searches for buried treasure.  This day, however, Raychel was having a grand ol time chasing the geese.  I was reading my latest Real Simple, and feeling my back fry.  All of a sudden one of these men YELLS (I am not exaggerating…YELLS), “ HEY YOU!!!  KNOCK IT OFF QUICK CHASING THOSE BIRDS!!!”  The group echoes, “Yeah, don’t.  Geeze.”  Raychel (my most sensitive, kind, generous, animal loving child) runs right to my feet and plops down.  Completely embarrassed.  HE was yelling at HER!  I look at my mom.  She looks at me.  DID THIS JUST HAPPEN?!  We are TOTALLY rendered speechless.  My tongue is paralyzed and I can feel it burning.  My mom finally spits out, “She’s not bothering anyone!”  The man shoots out of his beach chair and RUNS at us with aggression, points a finger at us and says, “Geese are aggressive.  That is MY experience.  They are going to attack her.”  B.S.  You were bugged by all the kids chasing them, and decided to take it out on my child because she’s the only one left on the beach.  Because of his contentious and disturbing behavior, my mom and I could only get out a defensive “ALRIGHT” with  “back the freak off” hand gestures.  I look at my mom and I’m ready to cry.  I’m so mad.  Mad at myself for not jumping to the defense of my sweet daughter who needed me.  Mad that this JERK has ruined our day.  Again, MAD that I could not spit ANY words out.  Raychel has never been yelled at like that.  NEVER.  And who did this man think he was doing that to a stranger’s child?!  She was not hurting anyone.  She was not bothering anyone.  It was unnecessary and uncalled for.  I could not let myself move past it.  (Well, as I’m writing this, my chest is splotchy, and my fingers are shaky.  I’m still not over it, obviously.  That’s why I needed to write it out of my system).  Mom invited Raychel over to her chair and asked Raychel to bury my mom’s feet in the sand.  As Raychel’s tiny fingers pile the sand on my mom’s feet, her nose starts running and lip starts quivering.  My mom says loud enough for our rude neighbors to hear, “Raychel I don’t know what in the hell that man’s problem is, but some people are just ass holes.  And I’m sorry about that.”  Raychel’s face lightened up a little bit because cussing is so “bad” yet so funny.  No one cusses like a Nana. 

As we were driving home, my mom and I were reliving the scenario and mastering the perfect comeback.  That’s what prompted the Seinfeld rerun for me.  I totally should have said, “Oh yeah, buddy!!  Well, the jerk store called and they’re running outta YOU!”  There are too many jerks in this world.  Freakin’ be nice!!!  Is that too much to ask?!  And just you watch yourself, Mr. Pale-Beach Noob-Buttface…We’ll be ready for you next time!