Where has the time gone! 2005
Princess days 2007
Smart and sophisticated 2013
We all gotta find out sooner or later. Do you remember where you were? How old you were? Who told you? I’m talking about Santa, and the fact that he’s not…real. I was a hard-core Santa lover and believer. I would defend his honor on the playgroud. “Of course he’s real!” I wrote him a letter every year. I love the way he organized my Christmas spread. It was all SO exciting. My mom sat me down one December before Christmas and broke the news. I don’t remember the specific words that were spoken. I only remember being shocked, disappointed and sad. Did I mention I was ELEVEN.
Here we are in 2013. Raychel is my analytical, deep thinking child. I knew it was only a matter of time before she openly questioned Santa’s existence. Yesterday, after our tree cutting festivities, we had the Christmas music going and the girls were playing quietly with the Playmobil and Little People nativities (and 17 bins of emptied Christmas mess all over the floor). All of a sudden the silence was interrupted with the excitement of Zelf being spotted…the season has officially started! Zelf is our elf who comes every year. He sits in a new spot everyday, checks the behavior of the house, then reports to Santa each night. Sometimes he brings little treats and does silly things. He’s the highlight of December. Raychel says, “I was talking with sissies last night, and I think you’re the tooth fairy and you’re the one that hides Zelf.” Stomach drop, lump in throat. “What makes you say that, Raych?” I ask. “Because our tooth fairy sucks and Zelf was late this year.” Totally valid. Our tooth fairy does suck. She’s never been on time…maybe for the loss of the first tooth, but then it all goes downhill after that. But Santa! Zelf! That is my pride and joy. Am I ready for her to know the truth? Anna and Leah are so…what’s the word…gullible, innocent that they have a few more years of fun believing. I didn’t want her “poisoning” their minds with logic. I had to have “the talk”.
Sunday morning was going to be the time. I took my girl back in my room, and we sat down on my bed. I don’t remember what the specific words I used. All I remember was her eyes getting bigger and bigger. Her face went pale. She just kept looking at me with these pitiful, searching eyes. She says, “So what you’re saying is there’s no Santa.” “Yes, Raych, that’s what I’m saying. BUT Santa will ALWAYS come! Zelf will still leave little presents. None of that changes! Believing is the magical, fun part of Christmas!” (Before I tell what happens next, let me explain something. Raychel never cries. She’s not an emotional kid.) I said, “How do you feel about this? What are you thinking?” Her big, blue eyes well up with tears and she starts sobbing. I’ve ruined her life!! It was like I told her I didn’t love her anymore and we were sending her away. It was one of the most crushing moments of my life. I picked her up and she wrapped her skinny little body around me. My neck and shoulder wet with her tears. This was too much to process. What can I say now? I wanted to revert “JK LOL Santa IS real!” It was too late. I had to own in now. I figured the best thing to say was nothing. I’d already said it. She needed a moment to let go of this childhood fantasy and process the reality. Hell, I needed a moment to process it all too.
Earlier that morning, I texted my friend, Arva, to let her know I wouldn’t be at church since the girls were all fighting a sickness. She kindly drops by some Diet Coke and chocolate for the ailing children. After our cry, Raychel says, “Can I go have my Hershey bar and Diet Coke now.” Yes! Absolutely! We're eating our feelings, and they are delicious!
Of course, I text my mom and pour my heart out to her. She advises me to write this all down while it is so close to my heart. “It’ll be good for your soul.” Moms know everything.
That first Christmas after I learned “the truth”, Santa brought me a Cabbage Patch doll. Something my mom told me I was “too old” for. I remember looking over at my mom and smiling. She winked at me. At that moment we knew I’d always be a believer.
5 comments:
WOW, that was beautiful. I am sitting here reading and wondering in my mind where has the time gone. I remember those times so well,and I know this is a time that you and Raychel will always remember too. It's things like this that bind you to your sweet family. Be prepared for Anna, her reaction will probably be different :). I am so proud to be your mother, and knowing what a great mother you are. I love you!! Mom
Great blog! Thanks for sharing that tender moment and those sweet feelings. It brings back a lot of my own tender feelings, also wondering where the time has gone. Your girls are lucky to have a mom who will be respectful and careful with those precious childhood moments. Dad
Great blog! Thanks for sharing that tender moment and those sweet feelings. It brings back a lot of my own tender feelings, also wondering where the time has gone. Your girls are lucky to have a mom who will be respectful and careful with those precious childhood moments. Dad
(((HUGS))) Such a tender moment. I had it with Luke this year, too. Although, I was kind of let down that it was so easy for him to accept - almost jipped! Ha! I know he's had his doubts, but it was cemented for me when we were at Target this weekend (alone, together) to buy a Scooter for Jack & Luke asked me "Is this from Santa or you?" *gasp* :( I was so caught off guard! We left Target, went to 7-11 for Slurpees & had a nice chat. I know he (& Raychel) will love having their own 'big kid' exclusive secret & that they will be great assistants in keeping the magic alive.
I cried reading this!!! Bryanna figured it "all" out this year and she has been good about it but I can imagine Gracie's reaction will be similar to Raychel's. I know who to call when that day comes.
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