Unanswered Prayers

A few of my favorite pictures of my girls...in no particular order.  I was getting choked up looking through the last six years in photos!  Times goes so fast.

My acting darlings.

First Christmas

The best "things" to ever happen!

Sprinkler fun

Sharing a shake on their 5th birthday

First birthday!

Beauty shop

I'm in love with those smiles.

Body art

I love how they are looking at each other here.  Wonder what they are thinking...

It’s hard to believe Anna and Leah came into the world six years ago.  What a blessing they have been in my life.  I wanted to write my feelings about their entrance into the world.

It’s common knowledge that my Raychel girl provided us with lots of challenges and blessings upon her arrival.  Hopefully, this isn’t TMI (too much information), but she was a fertility baby, and we were thinking any subsequent pregnancies would be just as difficult.  WRONG!  One year later, we got pregnant on our own with twins.  I remember that week I found out I was pregnant I had been feeling pretty “blah”.  That night as I left for work, I told James, “I am either getting the flu or I’m pregnant.”  We just laughed it off and I went to work.  That evening I got off around 10 pm.  I ran to the local CVS, bought a thermometer and a pregnancy test.  Why when you purchase a pregnancy test, are you so worried about running into someone you know?  I was all paranoid looking around like I was 16, not married and about to learn my life would forever change.  Running into an acquaintance could be devastating…they might even (gasp) tell my mom!  Hahaha!  I made it to the check out and the cashier says, “Do you hope it’s negative or positive?”  That’s the other thing…don’t point out that I’m buying a pregnancy test!  Just bag it up, sister!  However, I didn’t know how to answer.  I just said, “I guess it doesn’t matter?”  Once I got in the car, I pulled out the thermometer.  I figured if I had a fever, I would for sure have the flu.  Well, it was 98.6…perfect.  My stomach dropped, and I knew that pregnancy test would be positive.  When I got home, James was on the computer working on his MBA homework.  I bolted back to the bathroom and did the test.  Instantly, two pink lines popped up.  What did I do?  I started giggling like a little girl.  I felt happy, excited, giddy, nervous all rolled into one.  I went to James and put the test down in front of him.  He says, “Is this supposed to mean something?”  I said, “It means we’re having another baby!”  He smiled and shook his head, I kept giggling, and we went to bed.

Well, after (yet another) long night with Raychel, I began to get worried.  Questions and concerns piled up in my head.  “I can’t have another preemie.”  “I can’t get as sick as I did with Raychel.”  “What if I die?”  “What if this baby dies?”  “We’re almost tapped out on our insurance coverage.  We literally can’t afford another million dollar baby!”  I should have been at peace and put my worries in the Lord’s hands.  Easier said than done for someone like me.  People would say, “Don’t worry.  Everything will be ok.  Don’t you know it will all be ok?”  I would say, “Yes, I know it’s going to be ‘ok’, but my idea of ‘ok’ and the Lord’s idea of ‘ok’ might be two different things.”

A couple of weeks later, Raychel got terribly sick.  She had to be hospitalized because she was so dehydrated and couldn’t keep her oxygen levels up.  By this time, the morning sickness had started as well as the utter and complete exhaustion that you only feel when pregnant.  Then the tears began to flow.  “I can’t do this!”  Side note: At this point in time I still think I’m pregnant with ONE baby.  So we were in the hospital Friday-Sunday.  Monday was my doctor/ultrasound appointment.  We go in, our little family, to meet the heartbeat of our newest family member.  We get situated in the room and the Doctor points to the little pulsating bean on the screen.  “See, there’s a heartbeat!  You’re pregnant!”  For some reason, I said, “So there’s only one?”  He moves around a little and points to another pulsating bean.  “You just jinxed yourself!  There’s two!”  I look at James and all we can do is laugh.  We had just had one of the most hellacious weekends with Raychel (who was still sick), and now we’re going to add twins to this chaos.  James said, “Heavenly Father has a sense of humor.”  I won’t lie…I had a few tears of panic mixed with my laughter.  We go out to schedule our next appointment and who do I see, my dear friend, Bon Bon (who was pregnant with Carter).  She looks at me like “what are you doing here”…we hadn’t told anyone (except our families) we were pregnant.  I’m all “I’m having twins.”  All you can do is laugh and go buy a minivan!

The pregnancy was eventful to, say the least.  Because of my history with Raychel, I was watched very closely.  For me, the 20-week ultrasound is almost as exciting as the birth.  I would, honestly, be so disappointed if I couldn’t learn the sex.  I am a planner, and I wanted to start shopping!  I just knew I was going to have two boys.  They were going to have the perfect names:  Robert Merrill and William James…Will and Robby.  I didn’t even think about girl names.  The tech saw the first baby, and without hesitation said “That’s a girl!”  Ok, so baby B was going to be William Robert.  As they were examining baby B, I looked at the screen and said, “Ok, even I can tell that is totally a girl!”  The surprises kept rolling in…pregnant with no help, pregnant with twins, AND two more girls!  At that visit, they both weighed almost a pound each.  When I saw their profiles, I was so shocked by how much I could see Raychel in them. 

I remember hitting the 26-week mark, and being so thankful my babies were safe inside of me still.  By 30 weeks, the dreaded bed rest command came.  Luckily, I had lots of good help!  Then by 34 weeks, my blood pressure wasn’t going down.  The babies were a good size, so we decided to deliver.  The day of their birth is “blurry”.  Do you have those memories where they are literally blurry, fuzzy, dark?  Because if the blood pressure, I had to have that awful Mag Sulfate drug.  It’s like a muscle relaxer that does not make you feel good.  That night, I got a horrid migraine.  All they were offering me was Tylenol.  Yeah, no thanks.  I could eat a couple of skittles and get the same result.  Finally at 4 AM, they gave me some welcome relief with a shot of Demerol.  Ah, peace at last.  I was scheduled for my C-section that morning at 7:30.  Well, if you’ve ever been given Demerol, you know the affects last longer than 3 hours.  I was trying so hard to keep my eyes open.  I was literally thinking, “Ali!!  Open your eyes!!  You have to give birth!”  haha!  Some how I made it into the OR.  In my blurry memory, I remember looking around the room and seeing an audience.  All these student nurses were standing around waiting for the show to begin!  I’m sure they asked my permission, and I’m sure I mumbled, “hsiejx ngsba nkospo urihnk” meaning, “Absolutely!  You can come observe my bloated, pregnant body being cut open!  There isn’t an ounce of pride left in me!”  Leah was the first to come into the world.  I heard her cry and that made me SO happy!  She’s the only baby I heard cry at birth.  She was wrapped up and brought over to me.  I said, “Oh look at her cute little nose!”  A couple of minutes later Anna joined us.  She didn’t make any noise.  She was intubated, isolette-ed and the sisters were taken to the NICU. 

We were so lucky to have a good rapport with all the NICU nurses.  They all remembered us from Raychel, and they were so sweet to us.  One of my favorite nurses, Kate, told everyone to “get these crappy hospital clothes off these girls.  I know their mom brought better stuff.”  And right she was!  She personally came to my room to pick up the cute stuff!  That was so thoughtful. 

When I went and saw them the next day, I was blown away by how BIG they were!  I was like, “How did they both fit in me?”  They were sweet, soft, squish-able perfect!  I was so glad to be a mom again! 

 Anna and Leah have brought so much joy to my life.  I can’t imagine our family without them.  As you may know, the title of this entry comes from a Garth Brooks song…“Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”  I would have never chosen to get pregnant so soon after Raychel.  I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to have twins.  However, I’m so thankful to a Heavenly Father who knows what I need and knows what will make my life the most fulfilled!  Eventually, we learn to accept that His “ok” is our “ok” too.