Thursday night we left to take Raychel to UCSF for a second opinion regarding her stomach pain. Well, I guess to get a second opinion, we would have needed a first opinion…the local “specialist” never gave us any helpful answers, so we decided to search elsewhere.
(May I just say, I would be a very unsuccessful “big city” person. I like to stare too much, and all the rushing around gives me anxiety. I believe I could sit on BART with a Diet Coke and watch people all day.)
We got up Friday morning and headed to UCSF. I had an awesome seat partner on the Muni bus...a real sweet thing. She sat down next to me and that unmistakable odor of hard liquor filled my nostrils. She had a stunning smile of 6 teeth, and she was a cuddler! Oh yes, a cuddler who liked to stare right at me and smile. Totally harmless, yet totally awkward.
We meet the doctor. You know you’re getting old when the doctor looks SO young. In all reality, she was probably my age. We get through the endless questions of why we were there, Raychel’s medical history, and start developing a plan. Basically tests, tests, and more tests. “We’ll be in touch” were our parting words. As we were riding the bus back to our car, I looked through the paperwork, and there it was in bold, plain text. “Failure to Thrive”. That was our diagnoses.
(Now, before I go on, please know that these are just my feelings. I am not fishing for compliments. I am not wallowing in a sea of self pity. I’m just writing. It makes me feel better.)
This is our second round with the Failure to Thrive. In my opinion, that is SO offensive. The Board of Pediatrics needs to rename that something else. If you look at the literal definition you will see: Failure: Lack of success; Thrive: The accomplishment of a purpose. How I interpret that: My child is unsuccessful in her purpose. The first time I received this news, I was 20 something weeks pregnant with the twins. I started bawling right there on the spot (blame the hormones). How can you tell me my daughter is a “failure”? How can you tell me she isn’t “thriving”. Mind you, I know it’s just a generic way to say a child isn’t growing. However, it’s hard to not take that news on a more personal level. All those long nights you spent rocking your baby: FAIL. The hundreds of dollars of food you bought hoping your child might eat: FAIL. The countless episodes of vomit you’ve cleaned: FAIL. The thousands of times you went through the McDonald’s drive-thru for some french fries your daughter was craving: FAIL. Heart wrenching prayers offered on your child’s behalf: FAIL. It feels like I’m the failure; Like I haven’t done enough to see to my daughter’s ability to thrive. Of course, I know this isn’t true, but it’s hard to suppress those feelings. It would be easier if knowing and feeling were always in accordance with each other! That moment on the bus, all these emotions were stirring in my mind and settling in the pit of my stomach. I wished my morning seat mate had been there to cuddle with me and console me. Hahaha!!
Raychel is succeeding and thriving in ways no one every thought she would. I know we’ll get the answers we’re searching for, and she’ll eventually be able to enjoy a pain-free life. Patience. Time. Faith. “The Lord does not slack concerning His promise…” (2Peter 3:9).
6 comments:
Oh, Ali! Such hard things for both you and Raychel to deal with! My heart aches for you. I'll add you guys to my prayers, too! Hopefully this doctor will be able to come up with some successful treatments so that Raychel can thrive physically as much as she is mentally, socially, and spiritually.
Your little Raychel could not ask for a better advocate/mother/friend. She hit a goldmine in you & you've certainly not failed her. I'm sorry this trip has left you with just as many question marks as before you left. As far as thriving.... she is one of the smartest little kids I know. Failure? Hardly. (((HUGS))) You guys will get this figured out.
I'm not sure I can add anything that hasn't already been said. I know Raychel has been blessed with you as a mother. You have been her champion from the beginning. You are both the bravest people I know. Don't you just with faith would sometimes just throw you a friggin bone? HAHA! I love you both so much! Can't wait to see you this summer!
Dear Ali and Raychel, you are dear to my heart and I hate to think of you continuing this seemingly endless battle with adversity. I agree with Amanda. Her comment made me totally laugh. It would be nice if you could catch a break. Hopefully some good with come from all those tests you talked about. I will keep you in my prayers. Love you!!
there is nothing i can say that can possibly make you feel better-just know that YOU are not a failure nor is Raychel...doctor's have weird ways of putting things-makes them feel superior i guess. someday you will look back on this trip with your cuddler and your failure and think WTH was that all about? and then you will say "I have absolutely no idea!"
i love you almost as much as i love your mom-stick with it-
I didn't know that you were having problems with Raychel. That's tough! Obviously you kick butt as a mother. We all know it. I totally agree, Failure to Thrive is a terrible term and it really IS offensive. I second your motion to change it!
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